I’m getting old. I know I’m getting old, because the other night I used the phrase “in my day”

Not that my day was that long ago. In fact, it was probably a little less than ten years ago. The subject that was brought up was Social Networking Sites, and, in the same way the MTV stopped showing actual music, social networking sites stopped…being social. I blame applications.

Apparently, we have decided that even online interaction has gotten to be too much. Instead of going out to a party, or even sending an email about a party, we can send a virtual drink, a virtual STD, and a virtual shot of penicillin all in the same night without leaving our computer. I used to have to travel to Tijuana for that kind of action!

Facebook, a site that used to be all about simplicity, has become a hub of virtual businesses and activities. So, without further ado, here are the top ten absolute worse Facebook applications.

  1. Farmville – Thanks to this application, there are now officially more virtual farmers in the US than there are actual farmers. Seriously. In the past month alone, I have received about 10 virtual cows, a virtual fence, a virtual pile of snow and a virtual mystery gift (I assume its virtual manure) that I promptly threw into my virtual dumpster.
  2. Mafia Wars – This application is pretty much Farmville, where the cows are replaced with more Italian American Stereotypes than your standard episode of Jersey shore. Most concerning is that my mother plays this game. There’s nothing like opening my Facebook page and finding that my mother has just used me in a hit to take out another mob boss.
  3. Knighthood – This application has gotten less popular but previously used to be a big draw. I got sucked in to this game in the same way some men get sucked into fantasy football leagues. I would agonize over troop positions, defense levels and supply rations more that Robert E. Lee ever did. Then, one night, as I sat in front of my computer at 3 am preparing for battle, I realized I was actually sweating. Over an imaginary battle. The most strenuous thing I had done all night was to lift a can of Coke. I, who once considered myself pretty cool, was spending all my time in an online role playing game. I was steps away from becoming a Larper. I closed my account.
  4. I Hate Applications – This is an actual application for people who hate applications. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a lot like writing “say no to drugs” on the side of a joint?
  5. 25 Things – For everyone who filled any of these out NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW 25 THINGS ABOUT YOU. They just wanted to tell you 25 things about themselves, but had to notify you so you would go read their 25 things. There’s pretty much a standard format to every 25 things I have ever seen. If the person is married or has children, they’ll use about 5 of those 25 things to talk about how much they love their husband/children/Spanish Snapping Turtle. Here’s a tip, it’s supposed to be 25 things no one knows. We all know you love your family to pieces. Now tell us how you once got really drunk and made out with your college roommate.
  6. Become a Fan – You can become of fan of anything, and I mean anything, on Facebook. However, people rarely seem to understand the message their sending out with their choices. I once deleted a friend for becoming a fan of Crocs, the movie “Homeless to Harvard”, and John Mayer all in the same day. I really had no choice. Sorry mom.
  7. How will you die? – This application spread like a virus one day. It supposedly calculated how and when you would die based on your birthday. Really? That’s all it takes? If that’s the case, Doctors should start using it at birth. People would live forever and I’d get to stop breaking in new neighbors. The application told me that I would die at the age of 98. Then it lost all credibility by stating I’d die in a car accident, rather than of terminal oldness.
  8. Are you a racist/good lover/sex addict/alcoholic/invisible ninja? -All the quizzes are mainly the same, with three clearly wrong answers and one clearly right answer. The only thing the test proves when you take it is how good you are at faking your way through a test.
  9. Angels – People keep sending me angels. Guarding Angels, Healing Angels, angels of all shapes and sizes. If I get into a horrible car accident today, I’m pretty sure the only reason I will have survived is because this morning I got a Property and Collision Angel from my old insurance agent.
  10. Causes – This last one is the one that frustrates me the most. Not because I hate charity, hell, charity is great. It’s the extent of the causes and the invitations I get to them, as well as the friends I have sending them to me. Here’s a couple of tips for you cause crusaders.
  11. Actually pick a cause and do something about it. Don’t sign up for 400 different causes and send me “A Petition to Stop Pygmy Goat Abuse in Southern Bornia”. And why can the breast cancer people all get together and create one site. Then, they would get more visitors and more money. Or even better, organize an event, leave the house, make a donation. Don’t just click on a cause so everyone knows how caring and involved you are.
  12. Stop the “Petitions to keep Facebook from being a paysite”. It has been stated over and over and over again that this isn’t being planned. What’s the big draw to Facebook? It’s free. All the money is made from advertising. If they try to make people pay, they lose their audience, and then the advertisers pull out. Stop joining causes for problems that don’t exist. Which brings me to my next point.
  13. Stop joining causes for problems that don’t exist. About a year ago, a performance artist in Italy made big news for allegedly starving a dog to death as part of his performance. This was not true. Even after hundreds of news sites informed the public at large of the hoax, I was getting petitions to stop this man from starving his dog. I was getting them for months after. By the time I stopped getting them, the dog involved died of old age/morbid obesity.

Causes can be helpful, when in the right hands. When it the wrong hands, you wonder if your cause sending friend would notice if you took them off your friend list.

Sometime I wonder when the virtual takeover will end. I started out virtually meeting people, sending messages back and forth. Then I moved on to playing a nice game of virtual tic-tac-toe. When that got to taxing, I’d simply send them virtual guilt presents. What’s the next step? Can I virtually break up with them? I wonder if there’s a break up application that will randomly select friends that aren’t meeting your standards and send them a nice Dear John letter. I could use it. I’m pretty sure I have more Facebook Friends than I have people that I’ve ever met. Anyway, happy social networking that no longer involves being social. I’m off to feel my virtual dog. These worst applications are totally screwed. It is still better to have Buzzvoice¬†on your Instagram than play these applications. You can get a lot of followers and likes and so you can grow your network. If you own a business, this platform is a good choice.